Monday, May 23, 2011

STAND

History Maker 2011 has come and gone. If only it could be a lot longer... maybe a month longer. This History Maker had a lot of meaning for me, I needed a new beginning. I wasn't living for Christ and I knew it. Actually... I wasn't living at all. I was in a state of being; I wasn't happy at all, and I was just going with the flow. I've been on antidepressants since January and they worked somewhat at first. Lately they haven't been working. They same thoughts I used to have came back, the feeling of just being lost, and having no idea how to get back. I was talking to a friend earlier who experienced depression and he said the hardest part of fighting depression was "The fact that I didn't fight and didn't want to fight it... that kept me victim to it. But more so was the fact that I didn’t know how to fight or what was wrong with me, or why I felt the way I felt." I understand what he was saying. At History Maker I was trying to be into it... mostly for the people around me.
The first day I was kind of down. Depression makes you feel scared to do anything else. It's not fun, and it sucks, but it's comfortable. You don't feel the need to change anything, you don't have the strength to change anything. I was wondering why I was there, why I was even bothering. Lately I've been feeling worse then I had been. Wondering if life was even worth it, maybe I should just give up. I went to bed the first night feeling kind of down still.
The second day I was texting Christina in the morning and she was trying to encourage me. I decided I was going to go into the day with an open heart, and try to get something out of it if possible. Because I hadn't given up on God, just given up on myself. I went into the day with an open mind. The day was good, I was starting to see how God was working in the lives of the people around me and I spent most of the day praying as hard as I could. In the evening God touched my heart. I started to get reminded of the fact that He loves EVERYONE and everyone includes me. I started to think about how upset He must be that I feel this way, and how upset people around me would be if I just gave up. I started to understand why I couldn't just give up. Saturday night I just crashed, I had cried and prayed so hard that I was exhausted.
Sunday was bittersweet. I spent a lot of the time praying that I would be able to take this home with me. I was scared that I would get home and just be consumed again by feeling on wanting to kill myself. Part of me was worried and the other part was amazed seeing how much God had done over three days in the lives of so many youth. All good things must come to an end though. I wish it could have been longer, I was sad on the ferry on the way home and actually had to go for a walk. Home doesn't feel like home for me, it hasn't for as long as I remember. I felt accepted at History Maker, there were people that wanted to see me succeed and grow in God, not just people who wanted to push me down every opportunity.
Now that I'm home I can't get God off my mind and I don't want to. I want to get out of the mental world I've been living in. I want to get closer to God, and this time I want to not walk away. I want to turn to God when times are rough and I never want to feel on the edge of giving up again. I know it's not easy, even as I sit here and write this I still feel the despair in the pit of my stomach. But this time I know: I am a child of God, I am loved by the king of the universe, I have friends who love me and want to see me succeed, and when I feel alone God is still there, He will never leave me.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, Lauren....there is nothing more amazing than seeing (reading) someone begin to understand God's heart for them. Especially YOU! I love you, thank you for pressing in and fighting for your life. You're right when you say God deserves your fight, and you deserve it too.

    <3

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  2. Lauren...on my heart for you tonight...

    MercyMe Beautiful Lyrics:

    Days will come when you don't have the strength
    When all you hear is you're not worth anything
    Wondering if you ever could be loved
    And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much


    You're beautiful
    You're beautiful
    You are made for so much more than all of this
    You're beautiful
    You're beautiful
    You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

    Praying that you have the heart to fight
    "Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
    For all the lies you've held inside so long
    They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

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