New Year

So Christmas is over and a new season is soon to come. This post is going to be short since my whole left hand and half my arm have been taken over with a splint (don't ask how I managed that). Most people love Christmas. It is the season of giving, blah blah blah. I personally don't like Christmas. It doesn't matter how many presents I get, or how beautiful the Christmas tree is. I don't like it because no matter what, everyone gets super hyped up, and it's all about presents and it's stressful. My parents become absolute grumps when Christmas time is around. As much as I love getting yelled at everyday for about a month, no thanks. I'm glad Christmas is over now though.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. People go out and get wasted to welcome in the new year. When I look back on the year that just passed... it almost physically hurts. It feels like I've lost so many friends. Whether they moved across the country, or went off to university, or even just moved off the island. It sucks to have people move away. In high school, unless you are close with your family then friends are everything. When friend move away though, adults just expect you to move on like it's nothing. There are days I just want to start crying because I want my friends back, or I want to go back in time. It sucks.

At the same time I know there's more good times, or bad times, ahead. It's worth hoping this year will be better then the last one. So here I am, just praying, that this year will be better. That the good times will outweigh the bad ones, and that maybe, just maybe, I'll survive.

The (not so) little voice

I think everyone has the little nagging voice in the back of your head. It whispers in thoughts, you're not good enough, you're not important, you will never accomplish anything. I think it is in almost everyone, and you have the power to shut it up. The more you ignore it and fill yourself with good happy thoughts that you truly believe, the quieter it gets. I never said this was an easy thing. It would take a lot of confidence in yourself, and God to make that voice shut up. It is a lot easier, and more harmful, to just listen to it.

I'm pretty bad about that. I let the voice talk to me, and everything it says is truth, in my mind anyway. It gets worse and worse until this "little" voice, really isn't all that little anymore. It is telling you all these awful things about yourself. The more you listen to it, the worse the thoughts get: you're worthless, you're fat, no one likes you, why are you even alive... I think if you let these little voices go on for long enough, it becomes a monster. The monster eats away at everything, your happiness, your self esteem, your religion, everything that makes you feel good. Then what's left...

I'm definitely not saying I'm the best person to tell you how to fight these voices. In fact, I'm really the last person you'd ever want to come to. I'm great at telling other people how amazing they are and how beautiful and loved they are. When it comes to myself, I just can't. All I see is bad, all I know is beating myself up. I refuse to even listen when someone tells me I'm beautiful or anything like that. But I do have suggestions.

1. Don't listen when people say negative things. There are always going to be people out there that want to put you down. You know what? they aren't worth your time, or effort. If they are there to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse, you don't need that.

2. You time is important. Even if you think you don't deserve some time to yourself to relax, give it to yourself anyway. being stressed out all the time drives a person to do some crazy things.

3. Ignore the voice. This is the hardest. I'm not saying you will be able to block it out totally, and there will be moments in your life, unhappy ones, that the voice springs up and attacks you. Just tell it to go away, surround yourself with people that can help, and attack back.

4. Lastly, Don't give up. I really mean this one. Life can suck at times, and you can feel down in the dumps, but there's always hope. A friend of mine once hold me that hope is something you choose to have, and not something you can lose. So hold on, times can get tough, and it can be too hard to handle by yourself. Get someone to help you, talk to a friend, I don't know, anything.

Sometimes everyone needs a reminder how beautiful and amazing of a person they are. Sometimes they brush what you say off, but it's all that little voice in their head telling them (or you) that they/you aren't good enough. Just hold on, and remember, someone loves you.

Visit with a friend

Today I went to see a friend who I hadn't had a chance to sit down with in way too long. We talked about life in general, and while we were sitting there I was holding her baby boy thinking... what if I'm a bad mum? When I get older (preferably at least 5 years) and have a baby, am I going to be able to take care of it? I think most people feel a little anxious about babies, but when I hold babies they have this lovely habit of crying the second I hold them. I'm starting to question if I have that motherly instinct that supposedly all women have. It's definately a bit early to be questioning this, but it's still something I worry about.

We talked about this blog for a minute, I told her I had stopped writing in it. She was telling me that I should continue to write in it, that it could help to get out feelings, that it could help others. I can't help but think most people will write off what I say because of the fact that I'm only 16. I understand I'm a teenager and I still have things to learn. She told me I wasn't expected to be an adult, but at the same time there are people that do expect me to act like an adult. On one side I have people telling me to just losen up and act like a kid, now's my time to make mistakes, and on the other side I have people telling me to stop acting childish, that I am getting older and it's time for me to act more like an adult.

I have no idea what being sixteen is all about. Am I supposed to be making tons of mistakes? or acting maturely? I have no idea. All my life has been about so far is getting along, going to school, going to work... A part of me wants to hurry up and be out of highschool, have a job, get my life going... but another part of me wants to stay exactly where I am.

History Maker: Fearless

Today I was back at school after a long weekend in Langley. I enjoyed myself a lot, it was a new experience, and an amazing one. For anyone who doesn't know, History Maker is a youth conference that goes on every year, this year in Langley, I think I was told it have been in other places in the past. But it is basically an amazing weekend with worship, awesome bands, great speaking, and some crazy dancing. I started off the weekend feeling kind of down, a lot of stuff has happened lately, mostly my two best(and only) friends moving across the country. I know it sounds like I should just move on, but to a teenager, friends are pretty much life, if you don't have any friends, school sucks, you have nothing to do after school, and basically the only thing left is homework, and sports if you're into sports. So lately my life has been school, homework, 4-H, work, and church. I'm not saying it is all bad, but it is weird not having my friends around.

Anyway, I started off the weekend a little on the sad side, but first thing when we got there there was worship, and it was crazy fun. After some crazy jumping around and prayer, Bob Lenz was speaking, and he was making sense and I slowly started to feel better, something was stirring inside me, I didn't know what yet. That night was fun, hanging out with friends, more worship, and finally a little sleep.

Saturday morning was really amazing, after more worship, I was really into to atmosphere by now. Bob Lenz spoke again, this time he spoke about sin, and forgiveness. Something he said must've touched my heart, because I couldn't stop listening, he was telling us that not forgiving was only hurting us, it wasn't hurting the people we didn't forgive, it just hurt us. I realized there's a lot of people I hadn't forgiven, mostly I hadn't forgiven myself, I was so mad at myself, everything was my fault, everything. He asked us to come to the front if we wanted to forgive, let go of sin, and really surrender all to God. It took me a minute to get up the guts, but eventually I got up. I was one of the, I'm guessing to be 400-500 people who made our way to the front. there was prayer, and worship, and I felt forgiven, and I just gave everything to God, just surrendered all. I spent most of Saturday in a haze, going from one thing to another, I felt good though, better then I'd felt in a long time. Saturday evening was also good, but I didn't get what the speaker was saying so much. He was a little confusing.

Sunday morning, we had communion. Now, I've done communion in my church at home, and it is nothing like at HM, seriously, there was these cool little instant communion cups, and we broke into our groups that we came in to do it. While Andrew was praying, and explaining communion, it kind of amazed me(for about the 100th time that weekend) how amazing God, and Jesus are. Jesus gave up everything he had, he allowed himself to be beaten, nailed through his hands, and feet, and have a spear in his side for our sin. I don't know anyone who would ever do that. It is amazing how much he loves us, so much that it wouldn't even make sense in our head. Jesus died for us, so we could be made clean and have a relationship with God. That in it's self is amazing, but he also loves us, more then we can fathom, it's incredible.

The whole weekend just filled me with love, for the first time in a long time I felt worth something, I felt like I mattered to someone, and I love God more then anything. It was just amazing to know that the creator of the earth, loves me. It isn't like I didn't know that, I've been told that in the past, but I'm still new at the relationship with God, just learning, like a little baby bird. I've only been going to church for about a year and a half, and I've only been actually somewhat understanding what people are saying to me for the past year. I still have a lot to learn, and being the usual rebellious teenager I have many moments when I feel alone, I feel like God doesn't love me, and I don't understand what he wants from me. But i'm working on it. I am doing my best, trying to figure out what he wants from me, and not get sidetracked by what I want to do, and allow myself to sink back to where I was.

After this amazing weekend I still feel loved, I'm not as hyper as when I got home. It seems weird to me, I went from somewhere everyone was worshiping God, and so full of hope and love, and then I came home. My brother took it upon himself to tell me a couple of times that God isn't real, and my parents didn't really want to hear anything I had to say. It's hard sometimes to remember my faith when the people around me have none. But I'm not giving up. Ever.