I made a mistake in grade 10... I was stupid, I thought it made sense, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel worthy, no, I'm not talking about sex. I just wanted someone to accept me for who I was, to not have to live a life where I felt useless. That mistake still follows me, he wont leave me alone. I knew it was a mistake the second it was over. I spent days, months, trying to figure out why I did it. How stupid was I, just wanting some love. It tore me apart for a while, I felt even worse, more unloved, more useless. Where could I turn, who could I tell, no one understood why I did it... I turned to God, where else was there to go, I begged for forgiveness. Eventually I realized that I needed to let it go, because I was already forgiven. I let it go a long time ago, yet here he is, still bothering e for one little mistake. I am better then that. I will not go down that path again. He can get over it, I am who I am and I wont strive for love where there is none. There are people out there who love me, who actually care about me. I will not make that mistake again.
Okay... As much as I wish I could be eloquent all the time and sound mature, I don't think I can. Sometimes I wish I could be brave, just pretend everything's okay, but I can't. Maybe I guard my heart and have issues with trust, but that doesn't keep me safe. And some days I try to do things by myself, but I know I need God.
I get frustrated... I wish I could step outside and view my life, figure out what I need to do, where to go. I get mad at myself because I know I have so much more to learn, but I wish I could learn it faster. I have moments of such great regret... I wish I could take back what I did. But I KNOW I need patience. I will learn everything I need in time, even if it isn't easy, or smooth. At times it is painful, and my heart mourns. Without God I am NOTHING. That is what I need to keep in mind, but it's easier said then done. I go to school and am alone, come home and I'm even more alone; but I'm NOT alone! God is with me, and in hindsight I can see it, I can feel it, but in the moment it's harder.
I have figured out recently that one little decision can hurt, a lot. It takes one little mistake and you fall down and can't get up. I fell down, HARD. But I got some help, some prayer, and it was like someone helping me up, and pointing out which direction to go. Now I'm still hurting, it isn't going to go away for a while, and I may never forget it. For now I just have to lean on God, ask him to give me strength, to carry me.
I have moments where I feel alone, where I feel like no one cares. I sit and all I can think is I'm so stupid, immature, useless... no one cares, no one loves me... I know they are lies! I know it, but sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud that people do care, that God cares. It's hard, I have moments of utter self hatred; I could blame myself for anything, and everything. I need to take a step back. I was created for a purpose. He loves me, He cares about me, and He wants me. So for now I hang on. I lean on God, and let him take some of my burden. I know I can't do it alone.
“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”