I get frustrated... I wish I could step outside and view my life, figure out what I need to do, where to go. I get mad at myself because I know I have so much more to learn, but I wish I could learn it faster. I have moments of such great regret... I wish I could take back what I did. But I KNOW I need patience. I will learn everything I need in time, even if it isn't easy, or smooth. At times it is painful, and my heart mourns. Without God I am NOTHING. That is what I need to keep in mind, but it's easier said then done. I go to school and am alone, come home and I'm even more alone; but I'm NOT alone! God is with me, and in hindsight I can see it, I can feel it, but in the moment it's harder.
I have figured out recently that one little decision can hurt, a lot. It takes one little mistake and you fall down and can't get up. I fell down, HARD. But I got some help, some prayer, and it was like someone helping me up, and pointing out which direction to go. Now I'm still hurting, it isn't going to go away for a while, and I may never forget it. For now I just have to lean on God, ask him to give me strength, to carry me.
I have moments where I feel alone, where I feel like no one cares. I sit and all I can think is I'm so stupid, immature, useless... no one cares, no one loves me... I know they are lies! I know it, but sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud that people do care, that God cares. It's hard, I have moments of utter self hatred; I could blame myself for anything, and everything. I need to take a step back. I was created for a purpose. He loves me, He cares about me, and He wants me. So for now I hang on. I lean on God, and let him take some of my burden. I know I can't do it alone.
(Matthew 11:28-30)
“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I just read this moments before reading your blog but in the Message Version
ReplyDeleteMatthew 11:28 (The Message)28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
I love the part of learning the unforced rhythms of grace. You are right Lauren...you must NOT listen to those negative thoughts but instead remind yourself of the truths that HE DOES care for you and so do many others.
Hmmmm, I posted a comment but it got lost in cyber-space : P
ReplyDeleteYou express yourself very well Lauren. You're in good company, Nelia and Christina have great blogs too! :)
I love your thought process, it's so honest and you're not the only one feeling it! I most love how you END your thoughts: on HOPE!! God is teaching you amazing things, and you are getting to know Him, and your TRUE self, in a really intimate way. You have such great purpose to live out, and you are gathering incredible strength and beauty in the midst of pain.
ReplyDeleteI love reading this blog!
Loooovee YOU!