STAND

History Maker 2011 has come and gone. If only it could be a lot longer... maybe a month longer. This History Maker had a lot of meaning for me, I needed a new beginning. I wasn't living for Christ and I knew it. Actually... I wasn't living at all. I was in a state of being; I wasn't happy at all, and I was just going with the flow. I've been on antidepressants since January and they worked somewhat at first. Lately they haven't been working. They same thoughts I used to have came back, the feeling of just being lost, and having no idea how to get back. I was talking to a friend earlier who experienced depression and he said the hardest part of fighting depression was "The fact that I didn't fight and didn't want to fight it... that kept me victim to it. But more so was the fact that I didn’t know how to fight or what was wrong with me, or why I felt the way I felt." I understand what he was saying. At History Maker I was trying to be into it... mostly for the people around me.

The first day I was kind of down. Depression makes you feel scared to do anything else. It's not fun, and it sucks, but it's comfortable. You don't feel the need to change anything, you don't have the strength to change anything. I was wondering why I was there, why I was even bothering. Lately I've been feeling worse then I had been. Wondering if life was even worth it, maybe I should just give up. I went to bed the first night feeling kind of down still.

The second day I was texting Christina in the morning and she was trying to encourage me. I decided I was going to go into the day with an open heart, and try to get something out of it if possible. Because I hadn't given up on God, just given up on myself. I went into the day with an open mind. The day was good, I was starting to see how God was working in the lives of the people around me and I spent most of the day praying as hard as I could. In the evening God touched my heart. I started to get reminded of the fact that He loves EVERYONE and everyone includes me. I started to think about how upset He must be that I feel this way, and how upset people around me would be if I just gave up. I started to understand why I couldn't just give up. Saturday night I just crashed, I had cried and prayed so hard that I was exhausted.

Sunday was bittersweet. I spent a lot of the time praying that I would be able to take this home with me. I was scared that I would get home and just be consumed again by feeling on wanting to kill myself. Part of me was worried and the other part was amazed seeing how much God had done over three days in the lives of so many youth. All good things must come to an end though. I wish it could have been longer, I was sad on the ferry on the way home and actually had to go for a walk. Home doesn't feel like home for me, it hasn't for as long as I remember. I felt accepted at History Maker, there were people that wanted to see me succeed and grow in God, not just people who wanted to push me down every opportunity.

Now that I'm home I can't get God off my mind and I don't want to. I want to get out of the mental world I've been living in. I want to get closer to God, and this time I want to not walk away. I want to turn to God when times are rough and I never want to feel on the edge of giving up again. I know it's not easy, even as I sit here and write this I still feel the despair in the pit of my stomach. But this time I know: I am a child of God, I am loved by the king of the universe, I have friends who love me and want to see me succeed, and when I feel alone God is still there, He will never leave me.

Mistake

I made a mistake in grade 10... I was stupid, I thought it made sense, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel worthy, no, I'm not talking about sex. I just wanted someone to accept me for who I was, to not have to live a life where I felt useless. That mistake still follows me, he wont leave me alone. I knew it was a mistake the second it was over. I spent days, months, trying to figure out why I did it. How stupid was I, just wanting some love. It tore me apart for a while, I felt even worse, more unloved, more useless. Where could I turn, who could I tell, no one understood why I did it... I turned to God, where else was there to go, I begged for forgiveness. Eventually I realized that I needed to let it go, because I was already forgiven. I let it go a long time ago, yet here he is, still bothering e for one little mistake. I am better then that. I will not go down that path again. He can get over it, I am who I am and I wont strive for love where there is none. There are people out there who love me, who actually care about me. I will not make that mistake again.

I'm better then that

I'm smarter then that

I'm more worthy then that

and God LOVES ME.

and that's all I need.

Soo...

Okay... As much as I wish I could be eloquent all the time and sound mature, I don't think I can. Sometimes I wish I could be brave, just pretend everything's okay, but I can't. Maybe I guard my heart and have issues with trust, but that doesn't keep me safe. And some days I try to do things by myself, but I know I need God.

I get frustrated... I wish I could step outside and view my life, figure out what I need to do, where to go. I get mad at myself because I know I have so much more to learn, but I wish I could learn it faster. I have moments of such great regret... I wish I could take back what I did. But I KNOW I need patience. I will learn everything I need in time, even if it isn't easy, or smooth. At times it is painful, and my heart mourns. Without God I am NOTHING. That is what I need to keep in mind, but it's easier said then done. I go to school and am alone, come home and I'm even more alone; but I'm NOT alone! God is with me, and in hindsight I can see it, I can feel it, but in the moment it's harder.

I have figured out recently that one little decision can hurt, a lot. It takes one little mistake and you fall down and can't get up. I fell down, HARD. But I got some help, some prayer, and it was like someone helping me up, and pointing out which direction to go. Now I'm still hurting, it isn't going to go away for a while, and I may never forget it. For now I just have to lean on God, ask him to give me strength, to carry me.

I have moments where I feel alone, where I feel like no one cares. I sit and all I can think is I'm so stupid, immature, useless... no one cares, no one loves me... I know they are lies! I know it, but sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud that people do care, that God cares. It's hard, I have moments of utter self hatred; I could blame myself for anything, and everything. I need to take a step back. I was created for a purpose. He loves me, He cares about me, and He wants me. So for now I hang on. I lean on God, and let him take some of my burden. I know I can't do it alone.

(Matthew 11:28-30)

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Welcome Back to Reality

I got a kick in the butt the other day. I don't know if she meant to or not, but it worked. I told her how I'd been feeling lately. I told her how I felt out of place everywhere, and wasn't feeling it at church anymore. I've felt helpless, I've prayed and prayed and felt nothing. She told me that there was nothing she could do, and I needed to put effort in and really dedicate myself. At first my mind went, she doesn't know! She's just trying to push me off, not taking me seriously. Then... I made myself think about it. She cares about me, she's my friend. She wouldn't say ANYTHING to hurt me, ever. So I realized she was right. I needed that nudge, to remind me what I needed to do.

I need to work on my relationship with God. I need to focus 100% on Him. I've been praying, and going to church, but my heart hasn't been into it. I need to give over my whole heart and soul. I need to give Him everything I've got, all the pain, all the happiness, all the troubles. I've got to start with me. I've got to change my heart, I've got to stop focusing on the bad, and stop getting so down on myself. It's going to take a lot of work... but I'm not alone. I have God, and I have friends, who love me, even when they aren't with me.

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you."

Isaiah 43:1-8 (the message translation)

Another Poem

I'm tired of all the sleepless nights

Tired of all the stupid fights

Tired of all the random lying

Tired of all the people crying

I'm done with all these hidden fears

Done with all the annoying peers

Done with all the wistful sighs

Done with all the wasted tries

Life isn't working out how I want

it laughs at me, a daily taunt

I'm tired of all this stupid stuff

Who ever said I had to be tough?

Poem

I write (or I used to) poems as a way to kind of vent. I figured I'd post a poem... I wrote it not long ago... It's not really a happy poem but it is one of the happier poems I've written... So, here is it:

walking in circles, no where to go

the pain hidden inside is starting to show

people lean on her a little too hard

taking the pain has left her scarred

she longs for a friend to lean on as well

she is too scared to fall, too scared to tell

she lets the tears fall but only alone

she has troubles with trust, she is on her own

trying to figure out where she belongs

as she tries to numb bad thoughts with the songs

she carries on with life like she's okay

thinking the words she wont dare to say.

Changes...

Sometimes there's no choice but to change. You can't keep traveling the path that you're on because you're essentially killing yourself. I have spent my life believing that change is a horrible thing. It means people leaving, it means people dying, it brings bad things and leaves you nothing. Recently I figured out that maybe that isn't true. Sometimes change can be for the better, even if it's painful, or scary some good may come out of it. In the past couple of weeks I experienced the positive and negative sides of change. Both things were something I feared with my whole heart and you know what? It didn't kill me.

I spent so much time focusing on what the worse that could happen was that I made myself terrified. But now there's a new path opening in my life. And maybe it's even a good one. So I think I've figured out that change isn't all bad, it can be scary, but in the end... I think most of the time everything works out. Maybe not the way you planned it... and maybe it wasn't easy. You have to suffer through the rain to see a rainbow. Life is the same; you have to suffer a little pain to let the changes take effect. It could be something beautiful, or just what you need.