no...

I don't want to blog anymore. I'm done. I quit.

Fear

I struggle with anxiety. I've had panic attacks since I was young. I just start to worry, and I am freaking out for no reason. When I used to have panic attacks I would text one of my friends for hours. She would be awake no matter how late it was. She now lives in a time zone four hours ahead. That means she can't just text me when I'm scared. I've tried to stop them but there's only so much I can do. I know it's irrational, but that doesn't stop the fear. It's this horrible fear. There's nothing to be scared of, I'm just sitting in my living room... not many things stop it. I usually end up staying up until one or two in the morning.

If you look in the bible, it says DO NOT FEAR! In fact, it says it a lot. Whether it is "Do not fear" or "Fear not" it has the same meaning. It is said 365 TIMES!! That's a lot! You'd think I'd get the point! It says constantly not to fear, and that's when the fear is real! Being terrified for no reason would for sure not be what God would want. One of the few things that calms me down enough to see reason is writing, and praying; Or both.

I am damaged from what has happened, and I worry about what will happen... with my parents, with where I live, school, graduating, after grad, everything, anything. I worry enough for about five people. The bible says in Matthew 6:34, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will take care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Hear that? That means: STOP FREAKING OUT. Everything will work out. I need to just relax, to stop and say to myself, God will handle whatever happens. I need to say, hey, nothing bad is happening, it's just me being silly. God has everything under control.

When I freak out I've figured out listening to music helps, or I'll go online and watch one of the Adore videos, or I'll just pray. I need to stop worrying. God has this. He will deal with my future. I'm just making my own life more painful, stressful, and being silly by worrying about something I can't control. God has my interests at heart, He is going to take care of me. So maybe it's time to give it up. To let go of what I've been holding on to and to say, hey God, you can have this, I want you to control what happens, I'm tired of fighting You, I'm just along for the ride.

"Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 56:11

Happy Birthday to Me

I remember when I was little, I'd wake up on my birthday and expect to all of a sudden feel older. I'd expect to feel a year older and I was always I little disappointed when I didn't suddenly feel old. Now that older I realize that I am in fact one day older then I was yesterday, despite the fact that my age has changed. The real difference between feeling 16 or 17 for me is when I look back over the year. How I felt, who I was, when I turned 16 is different from now turning 17. Tonight at work I was closing with Gavin and he asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him tomorrow was my birthday and he asked how old I was turning. I told him and his words were and I'm not kidding you, "Oh, you're still just a little fawn. A little baby dear." I laughed so hard, for some reason I had it in my head that I was 17 and that was pretty old and mature. He put it into perspective for me. I am so young still! I'm only 17, I have years of my life and years of learning still to do.

When I look back over the year I see the changes I used to expect in a day when I was young. This year has been a huge one for me for growth. Last year on my 16th birthday I was still sad about my best friends moving away to the point where I didn't want to make any more, I was depressed, and enough that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday. I was having issues thinking past tomorrow, let alone down the road. I was afraid to show who I really was for fear of rejection. I was still cutting. I did everything in my power to blend in and go along with everyone else. I'm not saying that everything is different. I'm still scared to tell my parents how I really feel about them. I'm still struggling everyday to make the right choices. I still have moments when I question if life is even worth it. I still hurt about my friends leaving, even though it doesn't have a major impact on my life anymore.

Not everything that happened this year was great, and not everything was obvious growth. I went through some pretty dark times. I still struggle to stay with God and to live for Him. I still struggle with depression, and I think it will be a small part of me forever. I still hate myself and my body. I am still scared to talk to either of my parents. I still suck at dealing with pain in my life. I still try to blend in to the crowd. BUT... there has been growth. I don't think about killing myself everyday anymore. I don't worry as much about what people think of me. I'm less scared to express who I am. I can handle my pain in a healthy way. I no longer cut. I am not taking meds for depression. I got baptized. I spend everyday striving to live for God. I understand that when times get rough if I turn to God it's better then turning to drinking, drugs, or self destruction. I am able to cry again, which I hadn't for a long time. And all in all... if I think about it... I'm happy. That's something I couldn't say a year ago.

Every year marks a year of growth. It doesn't mean that suddenly on your birthday you are more mature. It means that everyday is growth. Everyday if a struggle and changes who you are. Every time it hurts to be you, every time you wish you could undo something, every time you are proud of what you've done or ashamed of it. THAT is the growth. Growth happens in the littlest moments, from choosing to do something for someone else, or realizing it's time to do something for yourself for a change, that's when the growth happens. You can't see it right away but it's there. So as I lay in bed at one in the morning, hopefully I will grow to learn that I need to go to sleep before midnight. For now... I'm 17. I have a lot more growing to do. I may have done a little more growing then the other people my age, or maybe just in different ways. Either way, I am alive today, against some odds, and I am proud of who I am. The crazy, goofy, protective, sometimes smart, and loved person I am. It just took me some time to become me.

AHHHHHHHH!!!

I am getting Baptized tomorrow. I am not sure whether to scream or peacefully sit on my bed and enjoy this moment. There is so much going through my mind I can't begin to put how I feel into words. When I first decided I want to get baptized I wasn't sure who to tell or what to do. I just felt incredibly strongly compelled to get baptized. The amazing thing is the NEXT WEEK at youth the pastor told the group if anyone wanted to get baptized they were having a youth baptism. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. I signed up and felt really at peace with the decision. After that my life went a little downhill. I wasn't doing great, I was still hoping God would help me but I was being shaken up and pushed down from every direction. At history maker though I was just renewed with feeling the incredible love that God had for me and I'm happy to say it's been two weeks and I still feel that love and happiness just as clearly as I did surrounded by all those people. I think I've learned how to lean on God when times get tough as opposed to getting depressed. God is all I need. Crazy thought huh? GOD. Is. Everything.

I was just flipping through my bible and I landed on Romans 6. I felt the need to read it and this is some of it:

"Or have you forgotten that when we joined Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death?for we died and were buried with Christ in baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, NOW WE MAY LIVE NEW LIVES." Rom. 6:3-4

"Since we have been united with Him in his death we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose it's power in our lives. WE ARE NO LONGER SLAVES TO SIN" Rom. 6:5-6

The capitalized part isn't actually capitalized in the Bible but I thought is seemed like a good way for me to express how I felt about it. Isn't that crazy? Just when I need a sign even more about how amazing what I'm choosing to do is there's my sign. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. The enemy loses this round. God wins. I choose the path of righteousness. So tomorrow as I connect with the death and resurrection of Jesus I will be in absolute awe (as usual) of how AMAZING our God is. Truly.

STAND

History Maker 2011 has come and gone. If only it could be a lot longer... maybe a month longer. This History Maker had a lot of meaning for me, I needed a new beginning. I wasn't living for Christ and I knew it. Actually... I wasn't living at all. I was in a state of being; I wasn't happy at all, and I was just going with the flow. I've been on antidepressants since January and they worked somewhat at first. Lately they haven't been working. They same thoughts I used to have came back, the feeling of just being lost, and having no idea how to get back. I was talking to a friend earlier who experienced depression and he said the hardest part of fighting depression was "The fact that I didn't fight and didn't want to fight it... that kept me victim to it. But more so was the fact that I didn’t know how to fight or what was wrong with me, or why I felt the way I felt." I understand what he was saying. At History Maker I was trying to be into it... mostly for the people around me.

The first day I was kind of down. Depression makes you feel scared to do anything else. It's not fun, and it sucks, but it's comfortable. You don't feel the need to change anything, you don't have the strength to change anything. I was wondering why I was there, why I was even bothering. Lately I've been feeling worse then I had been. Wondering if life was even worth it, maybe I should just give up. I went to bed the first night feeling kind of down still.

The second day I was texting Christina in the morning and she was trying to encourage me. I decided I was going to go into the day with an open heart, and try to get something out of it if possible. Because I hadn't given up on God, just given up on myself. I went into the day with an open mind. The day was good, I was starting to see how God was working in the lives of the people around me and I spent most of the day praying as hard as I could. In the evening God touched my heart. I started to get reminded of the fact that He loves EVERYONE and everyone includes me. I started to think about how upset He must be that I feel this way, and how upset people around me would be if I just gave up. I started to understand why I couldn't just give up. Saturday night I just crashed, I had cried and prayed so hard that I was exhausted.

Sunday was bittersweet. I spent a lot of the time praying that I would be able to take this home with me. I was scared that I would get home and just be consumed again by feeling on wanting to kill myself. Part of me was worried and the other part was amazed seeing how much God had done over three days in the lives of so many youth. All good things must come to an end though. I wish it could have been longer, I was sad on the ferry on the way home and actually had to go for a walk. Home doesn't feel like home for me, it hasn't for as long as I remember. I felt accepted at History Maker, there were people that wanted to see me succeed and grow in God, not just people who wanted to push me down every opportunity.

Now that I'm home I can't get God off my mind and I don't want to. I want to get out of the mental world I've been living in. I want to get closer to God, and this time I want to not walk away. I want to turn to God when times are rough and I never want to feel on the edge of giving up again. I know it's not easy, even as I sit here and write this I still feel the despair in the pit of my stomach. But this time I know: I am a child of God, I am loved by the king of the universe, I have friends who love me and want to see me succeed, and when I feel alone God is still there, He will never leave me.

Mistake

I made a mistake in grade 10... I was stupid, I thought it made sense, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel worthy, no, I'm not talking about sex. I just wanted someone to accept me for who I was, to not have to live a life where I felt useless. That mistake still follows me, he wont leave me alone. I knew it was a mistake the second it was over. I spent days, months, trying to figure out why I did it. How stupid was I, just wanting some love. It tore me apart for a while, I felt even worse, more unloved, more useless. Where could I turn, who could I tell, no one understood why I did it... I turned to God, where else was there to go, I begged for forgiveness. Eventually I realized that I needed to let it go, because I was already forgiven. I let it go a long time ago, yet here he is, still bothering e for one little mistake. I am better then that. I will not go down that path again. He can get over it, I am who I am and I wont strive for love where there is none. There are people out there who love me, who actually care about me. I will not make that mistake again.

I'm better then that

I'm smarter then that

I'm more worthy then that

and God LOVES ME.

and that's all I need.

Soo...

Okay... As much as I wish I could be eloquent all the time and sound mature, I don't think I can. Sometimes I wish I could be brave, just pretend everything's okay, but I can't. Maybe I guard my heart and have issues with trust, but that doesn't keep me safe. And some days I try to do things by myself, but I know I need God.

I get frustrated... I wish I could step outside and view my life, figure out what I need to do, where to go. I get mad at myself because I know I have so much more to learn, but I wish I could learn it faster. I have moments of such great regret... I wish I could take back what I did. But I KNOW I need patience. I will learn everything I need in time, even if it isn't easy, or smooth. At times it is painful, and my heart mourns. Without God I am NOTHING. That is what I need to keep in mind, but it's easier said then done. I go to school and am alone, come home and I'm even more alone; but I'm NOT alone! God is with me, and in hindsight I can see it, I can feel it, but in the moment it's harder.

I have figured out recently that one little decision can hurt, a lot. It takes one little mistake and you fall down and can't get up. I fell down, HARD. But I got some help, some prayer, and it was like someone helping me up, and pointing out which direction to go. Now I'm still hurting, it isn't going to go away for a while, and I may never forget it. For now I just have to lean on God, ask him to give me strength, to carry me.

I have moments where I feel alone, where I feel like no one cares. I sit and all I can think is I'm so stupid, immature, useless... no one cares, no one loves me... I know they are lies! I know it, but sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud that people do care, that God cares. It's hard, I have moments of utter self hatred; I could blame myself for anything, and everything. I need to take a step back. I was created for a purpose. He loves me, He cares about me, and He wants me. So for now I hang on. I lean on God, and let him take some of my burden. I know I can't do it alone.

(Matthew 11:28-30)

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”